Monthly Archives: June 2015

Mrs Cheeseday

Mrs Cheeseday

Mrs Cheeseday¬†bordered on being a nonsense verse when I was writing it and it didn’t escape by much. It tells the tale of a mad old lady who noses into her neighbours’ business but can’t stand any intrusion into her own life. Having attracted too much attention, she decides to take drastic action to set things right.

Mrs Cheeseday

Mrs Cheeseday spoke through throes
Of cigarettes and adipose
Her neighbours’ business hung in rungs
From Mrs Cheeseday’s running nose

She grieved them daily, put them down
Grew infamous around the town
But then one day she seemed redeemed
Appeared prepared to play the clown

She sent out invites through the post
Declaring she would play the host
Parties such as were seldom held
For all in the city, almost

The drink flowed by the pint all night
But some guests felt it wasn’t right
They felt more and more ill, each swill
Their lungs were burning, chests were tight

Miss Cheeseday, did you drug this drink?
That’s Mrs, you will find, I think
Then with her old veneer, a sneer
She climbed into the kitchen sink

You’ll all be fine eventually
So bugger off and let me be
And let it oft, in dread, be said
That Mrs Cheeseday still runs free

They screamed and ran, began to sag
Threw up into a party bag
They hurried homeward quick, still sick
And muttered What a crazy hag

This kind of story is why, when I throw a party, I keep my own cup, my own tea, and my own house, and don't anyone and don't throw a party.

This kind of story is why, when I throw a party, I keep my own cup, my own tea, and my own house, and don’t invite anyone and don’t throw a party.


Haikune: Spy-Ku


To bring Haikune to a close, I bring you Spy-Ku. Haiku which delve into the secret, sneaky world of Spies, specifically James Bond. Come back next time for Julymericks! Woohoo!

You Expect Me To Talk?

Oh no, Mr Bond
I don’t expect you to talk
Just to die, Ha Ha

The Package

From Russia, with love
No one by that name lives here
Back to sender, boom.

Say sieve a red dye, DUN...DUN

Say sieve and red dye, DUN…DUN



IKEA is like the Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory of furniture. Endless hours of my childhood, and those of thousands of others, were spent trying out chairs, beds, bean bags, and all manner of exciting things! And to top it all off, awesome meatballs in the restaurant at the end! Woohoo! However, all good children knew that to stray from the path set out by the arrows was to court danger. This is the tale of somebody who does not heed the wisdom of the IKEA arrows.


I wandered through IKEA
With the bravest of all men
But he disobeyed the arrows
And was never seen again

Lamp a.k.a Frukenshnattlegotrobolotok

Lamp a.k.a Frukenshnattlegotrobolotok

Haikune: Try-ku


It’s the third week of Haikune, which is basically just June except that I’m posting a couple of Haiku every week! Last week we had Shy-ku, and the week before that we had Die-ku. This week it’s time for Try-ku. These are Haiku about times when you try really hard at something but things just don’t go your way. These are both autobiographical (the first didn’t literally happen but is representative of my skill. The second, unfortunately, really did happen).


Is this painting you?
No, it’s Nelson Mandela
Full marks for effort

Sausage Casserole

Sausage casserole
Heat it up and eat again
Vomiting all night

I have to confess I didn't try at all with this photo. Or perhaps I tried my hardest to make it look like I didn't try. Perhaps I'm generally just trying too hard right now.

I have to confess I didn’t try at all with this photo. Or perhaps I tried my hardest to make it look like I didn’t try. Perhaps I’m generally just trying too hard right now.

The Ageing Aunt

The Ageing Aunt

Some families, especially those with a large number of women living under one roof, can be very dysfunctional. This is the story of one family who have slowly grown to despise each other over the years and fallen into their own kinds of madness.

The Ageing Aunt

The Ageing Aunt
With the hat on her hair
Was screaming in rage
On the top of the stair

The grumbling gran
With the tears in her lace
Slapped the poor ageing aunt
In her crumbling face

The nibbling niece
With the gold on her teeth
Ate the grumbling gran
From the ground underneath

The dribbling daughter
With gems on her rings
Asked ‘Why must you all
Do such horrible things?’

I'm gonna go step on some babies and shred important receipts and other evil aunt stuff.

My sisters and I certainly Aunt amused by that poem

Haikune: Shy-ku


For the second week of Haikune, I am sharing my shy-ku with you! What are shy-ku? They’re haiku about social anxiety!

The Guests

Son, the guests are here
I just have three chapters left
Will I have to talk?

The New Kid

New child comes to school
Do you want to sit with us?
Bench suddenly warm

Oh gosh, people are talking to me. What if they notice I'm actually a gorilla?

Oh gosh, people are talking to me. What if they notice I’m actually a gorilla?

New Malaise

New Malaise

This poem is about the obesity epidemic ravaging the western world.

New Malaise

In every city, every town
The sickness spreads like mayonnaise
A straining wheeze, a sweaty gown
The first hints of a new malaise

Then, melting in the Summer heat
The bulbous bodies take short strolls
On what were once their legs and feet
But now resemble sausage rolls

They will have food, they will eat yours
A shopping centre, food court spied
They shatter the revolving doors
And feed on everything inside

Every night the army march
For daylight brings on belly sweats
Sequestered in a golden arch
They ooze over the parapets

Their numbers grow with  volunteers
They use no force, there is no need
They simply grind you down for years
Then fill your trough with swill to feed

So don’t accept the gifts they give
Get off your bum, get out of bed
Or else you’ll have to waddle with
The legions of the walking fed

If all else fails, lob a granny smith

If all else fails, lob a granny smith