Monthly Archives: October 2014

Big Phil

Big Phil

Today is not just Halloween! Today is also my Dad’s birthday! My Dad is genuinely the loveliest bloke that ever existed but can give the impression of being extremely intimidating and frightening. We call this scary gangster alter ego ‘Big Phil’. So watch out this Halloween! There may be something a lot worse than a zombie waiting in the streets of London.

He’s actually 51 this year but I’ve been thinking about this poem since his last birthday so one line is slightly dated. You wouldn’t think it had taken that long to write judging by the quality. In fact, that’s pretty much the only line that has survived from so long ago. Anyhow. Here it is:

Big Phil

A heart of gold, an iron fist
He’ll kiss your head then break your wrist
With words that comfort, eyes that kill
It’s him, the man, the boss, Big Phil

His family’s his pride and joy
(His second son’s his favourite boy)
Against them, he won’t hear a word
And if he does, his wrath’s incurred

He knows this city like the back of his hand
And so, before him few can stand
Faced with his hat and long black coat
Defiant words stick in their throat

Without a word, he shuts them down
They flutter like an eiderdown
Dissolving in a pool of tears
He’s ruled these streets for 50 years

The Hookily Pookily

The Hookily Pookily

Today is Halloween! Halloween is pretty much an idiotic holiday. I love a good carved pumpkin as much as the next guy, but how is it that trick or treating is allowed to happen every year? ‘Don’t talk to strangers’, we tell kids. ‘Don’t accept treats from strangers’, we say. So why, on Halloween, do we actively encourage children to knock on stranger’s doors and blackmail them into given them treats? Did we all just turn stupid overnight? Seriously?

Anyway, this poem is about the Hookily Pookily. Not heard of the Hookily Pookily? You’re one of the lucky ones! The Hookily Pookily are the worst, most scariest and spookiest beings ever to haunt your dreams. Please note that ‘Hookily Pookily’ is both singular and plural. I.e. One Hookily Pookily and several Hookily Pookily.

The Hookily Pookily

The Hookily Pookily snook to the ground
Then flook to the air with a whizeg of sound
It snurted and farked
It chinked and it snarked
Then choodled it’s jood by the pound

The Hookily Pookily spookily come
And dibble your snibs till you quibble your bum
They flam and they jook
They skabbige and rook
Then gerty a flert for their mum

A spooky ghost

A spooky ghost

Stars

Stars

It seems like so many famous astronauts, astronomers, and other kinds of scientists (got bored of that list) were inspired simply by staring up at the sky in awe as a child and daydreaming about landing on the moon or something similar. The stars and planets they could see through a telescope blew their minds so much that they just HAD to learn more. This poem is dedicated to everyone who stares up at the night sky in wonder thinking what if? What if? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?

Stars

I looked for the stars, shining light-years away
I sat in the garden, I waited all day
But soon it got dark so I went back inside
Why dear stars, why do you haver and hide?

I looked for the moon, shining just down the road
I hopped and I skipped and I ran and I strode
But night overcame me, I had to go back
For how could I see when the sky had turned black?

I looked for a black hole, I stole a spaceship
I flew to the void with a gun on my hip
I met with a martian and spat in his face
Defying the emperor, conquering space

Haver (Verb): Scottish word meaning to talk foolishly
(I know my use of this word makes no sense. Sounds good though eh?)

This is just a money box. I'm saving up for the real thing

This is just a money box. I’m saving up for the real thing

The Man With A Towel For A Head

The Man With A Towel For A Head

This is one of my more recent poems. I had never even attempted to write a limerick before and decided it was about time I did. Limericks are known for being silly, sometimes naughty, and always jolly or funny. I wanted to see if I could write a sad limerick while maintaining the element of silliness. I don’t really think I succeeded but here it is anyway:

The Man With A Towel For A Head

The man with a towel for a head
Was lying alone in his bed
He started to cry
But was instantly dry
Then into the cupboard he fled

Have you finished sulking now towel-head?

Have you finished sulking now towel-head?

That Other Earth

That Other Earth

I know the picture is shoddy on this one but I’m afraid my geography is extremely poor so I can’t draw a realistic looking Earth.

One night over Summer, I woke up suddenly at about 3:00 AM and rushed to grab a pen and some paper. A bizarre sonnet had appeared almost fully formed in my head. Imagine, if you can, that another planet hung above Earth in space. What if there was a second Earth which had a north pole on the bottom so that our poles repelled each other and it kept them up there? That’s the basis for this poems. An old man is telling his grandson about the time when another planet sat above their heads. It was a beautiful time but it all went horribly wrong. The fact that I wrote this at 3:00 probably explains how stupid it is.

That Other Earth

When I was young, lad, two Earths shared the sky
Our peoples worked in peace towards our goals
We both flew round the sun, not caring why
We soon found out we had opposite poles

It kept them floating up above our heads
But human nature craves experiment
We noosed that Earth with several billion threads
To pull the planet down our minds were bent

With each man tugging, naught stood in our way
We brought the planet close enough to touch
But then the straining threads began to fray
The polar repulsion became too much

And to our shame, the once great human race
We launched that other  Earth out into space

The vastness of space is matched only by the unfathomable depths of the Birmingham cloud cover that hides it

The vastness of space is matched only by the unfathomable depths of the Birmingham cloud cover that hides it

The Bean From My Hands

The Bean From My Hands

I was mindlessly doodling in a lecture when I decided to put my pen down and review what I had drawn. What I found looked something like the picture above. A small lizard standing on top of a fish and holding out a small, black object to a disembodied head. I decided to try and work out the backstory. What exactly is going on in this picture? It took me a while but I’ve finally worked it out.

This poem explains what is happening but also has a message. Sometimes we have to risk looking like a fool to achieve great things. Sure, sometimes we end up horribly embarrassed. We may even spiral into crippling social anxiety and never have any human interaction again. It might even be so bad that we die of shame. Actually, it’s not worth the risk. Play it safe guys, play it safe.

The Bean From My Hands

The leathery lizard flew in on a fish
And said to the face, ‘I will grant you a wish
If you’ll only come back with a bag or a dish
And take this bean from my hands’

‘Take this bean from my unworthy hands
This kidney bean from my sun-scorched hands
This tasteless bean from my withering hands
Just take this bean from my hands’

The bodiless face rolled it’s eyes in delight
And said to the lizard, ‘I’ll take it alright!
In return, I wish only to sleep well tonight’
Then he took the bean from his hands

He took the bean from his misshapen hands
The purple bean from his blood-stained hands
The wretched bean from his trembling hands
He took the bean from his hands

You are not allowed to wish for more beans

You are not allowed to wish for more beans

Titanic

Titanic

The Titanic will forever be remembered for the circumstances of it’s sinking on 15th April 1912. ‘God himself could not sink this ship’ people exclaimed. So confident were they that there weren’t even enough life boats for half the passengers. They goofed pretty damn bad on this. In the years since, it’s become almost legendary. Many films have been made and countless conspiracy theories have been spread. The most famous film starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet (in spite of the fact that it stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet) is, in my humble opinion, one of the greatest films ever made. This is a tongue in cheek tribute to the actual ship and the film. It may sound slightly irreverent but I mean no disrespect by it.

Titanic

The ship of dreams
And custard creams
And overtime for PR teams
The joyful sound of children’s screams
In sunny beams
With bubble streams

It cannot sink
Or hold it’s drink
It never will be painted pink
The captain’s hat will never shrink
It’s made of mink
Or so I think

It’s very nice
And full of mice
The kitchen serves the finest rice
Whiskey comes at a decent price
I’ve drunk it twice
Could use some ice

The best three hours of film and five hours of special features ever made

The best three hours of film and five hours of special features ever made