Monthly Archives: October 2015

The Only Cow

The Only Cow

Some time back, we received a postcard from my brother and his wife saying that they were visiting a small island. My brother wrote (jokingly I think) that he thought there was only one cow on the island. While it was probably not true, I thought it raised interesting questions about this cow’s situation. Please note: I do not know where this island actually is but, for the sake of rhyme, I have said it is near Thailand.

The Only Cow

There was this island
Quite near Thailand
Only had a single cow
They made false beef
From the barrier reef
But never told me how

A rich young man
Came from Japan
And wanted the real thing
Please kill the cow
Prepare it now
Stop! Listen to me sing

Ha lalala Ha lalala, ooh ooh ooh
Can your love, oh can your love
Oh can your love be true?

The cow prepared
The meat was shared
The waiter sat and sighed
It’s tender yet
Tastes like regret
Then everybody cried

The people wept
The street was swept
And polished til it shone
It couldn’t hide
The pain inside
For now the cow was gone

Ha lalala Ha lalala, ooh ooh ooh
Can your love, oh can your love
Oh can your love be true?

The field, no longer needed, lies empty and untouched.

The field, no longer needed, lies empty and untouched.

This Poem Is Just Filler

This Poem Is Just Filler

This poem is just here to fill space

This Poem is Just Filler

This poem is just filler
I have to fill this page
So don’t expect great beauty
Or a wonder of the age

This poem is just filler
So skip it, don’t read on
I have to use this this space up
But my inspiration’s gone

This poem is just filler
But is that such a crime?
It have five four-lined verses
And each verse has a rhyme

This poem is just filler
Before The Only Cow
It’s of the kind of quality
I’d rather not allow

This poem is just filler
So why is it so long?
Because it is not filler
And I fooled you all along

Just A Filler Photo

Just A Filler Photo

The Queen of Putrefaction

The Queen of Putrefaction

This poem has a very melodramatic title but I think it’s appropriate because people have very melodramatic reactions to it’s subject. I’m not the biggest fan of spiders ever but I do think they’re actually pretty cool creatures. My favourite spider fact is that spiders don’t use muscles to move their legs. They have hydraulic legs! They move by moving fluid in and out of each leg in turn. How crazy is that? Pretty crazy. Of all the creepy crawly beasts that linger where death and decay are found, spiders are probably the best.

The Queen of Putrefaction

Below the tattered curtain lies a body on it’s back
Light glistens in the compound eyes that watched the world turn black
A single, shining silk thread ties it’s legs up from a height
Like many other wayward flies, it didn’t last the night

For in the dark a demon sits, it’s waiting in the gloom
Without a sound each eyeball flits and turns around the room
It moves in sudden violent fits, to chase, to hunt, to kill
It never fails, it never quits, the beast will have it’s fill

It’s legs move by hydraulic action, scuttling at speed
It rules the Lords of Putrefaction, lingers where they feed
Climbing with it’s unholy traction, webs mark where it’s been
Nothing is safe that draws attention from the eight eyed Queen

This particular Queen has unfortunately set up shop in my throne room

This particular Queen has unfortunately set up shop in my throne room

After The Power Went Out

After The Power Went Out

Technology is a wonderful thing. Phones and computers with their internet capabilities mean we have access to more knowledge and entertainment than ever before. Mobile phones, skype, social networks and such have the potential to build and maintain connections that would never have been possible before.

The problem is, we get so obsessed with the tech itself that we’re actually becoming less connected with people and more dependent on the internet! This poem is a brief exploration of what might happen if all computers, phones, ipads etc stopped working.

After The Power Went Out

One day after the power went out
A mournful shout, the sound of weeping
Shuddered from the teenage crowd
They cursed out loud, spent all day sleeping

Two days after the power went out
We bore the drought, quietly scheming
What we’d do when it came back
The endless back, the desperate dreaming

Three days after the power went out
The seeds of doubt let loose their blooms
We clutched out knees, began to rock
And locked ourselves in darkened rooms

Four days after the power went out
An awful clout rang from the street
Hormonal youths, starved of T.V
Were rediscovering their feet

Five days after the power went out
Another bout of violence spread
No ipads, laptops, PCs, phones
We’d thrown them in the river bed

Six days after the power went out
No one about, the streets were still
We sat in quiet discussion
Of how to take this bitter pill

Seven days after the power went out
A week without technology
We re-emerged, a stronger race
To face our brand new lives, set free

I could live without my laptop but please, won't somebody think of the tea!

I could live without my laptop but please, won’t somebody think of the tea!

Killing The Queen

Killing The Queen

This poem is about somebody trying to assassinate Britain’s longest reigning monarch. I am a big fan of the Queen and I do not, in any way, encourage treason. Please do not kill the Queen.

Killing The Queen

I woke up this morning and felt like some treason
I honestly have no particular reason
The sun shining down, such a beautiful season

Here comes Queen Elizabeth, tiptoeing past
I’ll make sure her very next tiptoe’s her last
The people in Birmingham wake at the blast

A crater where London once gloriously stood
The bomb has a larger effect than it should
A mystery figure crawls out of the wood

And up gets the Queen, she’s a sturdy old bird
Then armies of animals rise at her word
She is carried atop this magnificent herd

She conquers the West with her sheer mass of beast
And then the Queen sets about crushing the East
And no one can rest til her tyranny’s ceased

With terrors and horrors no man’s ever seen
Brave men lose their minds at the heartbreaking scene
Won’t someone, won’t anyone please kill the Queen

But I too survived, in the shadows I wait
I level my gun at the harlot of hate
And undo the evil I helped to create

Her spies have infiltrated all of our wallets and pockets

Her spies have infiltrated all of our wallets and pockets

Freshers Week

Freshers Week

It was recently freshers week at a local University! I graduated earlier this year so I’m not a student anymore but I happened to be walking past the main campus as students were leaving the Freshers Fair. My mind was instantly cast back in time to the madness of my own Freshers Fair three years ago.

While I indulged in a little nostalgia, a young man with a panicked expression started pushing his way through the crowd. He shoved people aside as he hurtled down the pavement. This student was not carrying the usual bag of goodies but held something to his chest. I watched in interest as he drew nearer and nearer and finally broke out of the crowd and rushed past me.

He was clutching a very large leek. Nothing else. Just a leek. He continued at great speed down the road with fear in his eyes. Freshers Week is a very strange time full of very strange people.

Freshers Week

He’s there in every Freshers crowd
Though nobody can name him
He’s spoken of in whispers
And referred to in hushed tones

The powers of sense and reason
Both combined could never tame him
His look of desperation’s
Fit to chill you to your bones

He’s everywhere on campus
But no flat will ever claim him
He carries things that tell
A story words could never speak

He holds with great bemusement
(for bemusement who could blame him?)
A bag, a poster, condoms,
Pizza vouchers and a leek

These would have seen me through my student years very happily

These would have seen me through my student years very happily