Category Archives: Space

200th Post: The Men Who Smell To Earth

The Men Who Smell To Earth.png

So often in science fiction films, books, songs or whatever, the presence of alien life is announced with either a sound or, most commonly, something visual such as a light, an explosion, or the aliens themselves. However they declare their presence, it’s usually an appeal to either our sense of sight or our sense of hearing.

But what if, and please go with me on this, alien life was revealed, not by a noise or a vision, but by a smell?

The Men Who Smell To Earth

The evidence arrived
Before the news of what it evidenced
Took residence in any nation’s TV stations
It came with confusion

Not a sound, not a light
But frightful all the same
More so, in fact
A smell
No, far worse, a nasal Hell
That filled the air

But more than that, it got inside
Behind the eyes
Right through the sinuses
They couldn’t see
They couldn’t hear
And with that came the fear

Way out on Mars
A rover drove over a stone
Which rattled and revealed a hidden hollow
Turning round
It swept the stone from the ground
Uncovering a cavern
Out stepped three mangy Martian men
A dirty throng
And brought with them the pong

So potent, even emptiness
The void of space
Could not erase the taste
That burning tickle in the throat

The world looked to its leaders
To tell them what reeked to high Heaven
A chemical weapon?
A zombie apocalypse?
Toppling governments threw up their hands
Until they heard the reason for the scare
And with it came despair

Humanity waited so long for this moment
Our coming of age
We at last take our place
In the union of space

But this wasn’t what we planned
For the ascension of man
Now we know we’re not alone
But is it worth
The men who smell to Earth?

Photo The Men Who Smell To Earth.jpg

A gift from Earth’s ambassadors




It is a year to the day that I posted my first poem on this blog! My goodness how the time flies! This month, I’ll be posting poems that were inspired by books and poems that I have read and enjoyed! One post a week will be a literature inspired creation, the other will just be random.

This first poem was inspired by a book that I am currently only 3/4 of the way through. Consider Phlebas is the first epic novel in Iain M. Banks’ Culture series. Iain M. Banks wrote the craziest, most phenomenally wacky, and, above all, enjoyable science fiction novels I’ve ever had the pleasure to read. They’re full of crazy aliens with weird names doing weird stuff in weird places. This is my second tribute to Iain M. Banks. It finds an unnamed hero, recently returned from his space adventures, watching a spaceship race with lots of aliens.


The people round the telly
And those sat at the bars
Are actually aliens
Who’ve gathered here on Mars

To watch the latest races
Taking place on some old sun

This is what aliens like to do for fun

Just back from my adventure
Fighting Preqouins on the moon
And Obructsees with jaliprons
And Dibs from Shelmasoon

I stare up at the mega screen
And with a rush of pride

I know that I could beat them if I tried

I hop into my Hypership
Engage the black hole drive
I shimmer then disintegrate
Don’t worry, I survive

I’m remade ten light years way
And join the light-speed race

‘Cos I’m a citizen of outer space

There are some very Ood characters in space.

There are some very Ood characters in space.

March On The Sun

March On The Sun

Perfectly sensible  and intelligent people can sometimes be led to do utterly ridiculous things purely because everyone else is doing it. Respectable citizens are reduced to brutal animals or stupid thugs by mob mentality and peer pressure. This is a poem about people trying to kill the sun.

March On The  Sun

The sun is a tyrant The Governor cried
And it sits in our sky with insufferable pride
Overcome with this passion, The Governor died
But the damage was already done

Whipped into a frenzy of anguish and pain
They elected a leader to act as their brain
In their new revolution, for all were insane
And intended to march on the sun

March on the sun
Evading it’s flares
We’ll strike it at night
So it’s caught unawares

March on the sun
In celestial motion
Wearing sunglasses
Applying your lotion

They rose in the air with a haughty defiance
Disdainful of physics, yes raging at science
And anything asking a hint of compliance
They knew that enough was enough

The heights of our atmosphere, where the air’s thin
Was the point where the first of the trials would begin
But they pushed through the clouds with a recusant grin
Knowing full well the road would be rough

March on the sun
Then return in great glory
For endless millennia
They’ll tell of this story

March on the sun
Or you’ll wither in shame
As your actions dishonour
Your family name

The heat of the sun grew, each second that passed
Til they came within range of it’s tendrils at last
And a beacon blew out with a terrible blast
Engulfing the horrified crowd

The flames soon receded, and left in their wake
A sordid reminder of mankind’s mistake
The heat caused their petulant bodies to break
And disperse as a wet, bloody cloud

March on the sun
Like a nuke that we orbit
Our masses combined
We can hope to absorb it

March on the sun
Melted flesh in the void
Home floated the heroes
Completely destroyed

If the sun rises in the East, and sets in the West, why is there sunlight up North huh? It's all lies!

If the sun rises in the East, and sets in the West, why is there sunlight up North huh? It’s all lies!



This poem explores the hypothetical question; What would happen if two lovers were suddenly transported into space with no protective gear? Obviously, it would be a bit of a disaster, unless an unlikely rescuer were to appear and whisk them away. Then again, being in the custody of an alien being with no understanding of humans and their ability to withstand space may not end well either!


If I was in space, and you were too
I’ve no idea what we would do
No atmosphere, so we would die
The sun quite close, so we would fry

And, in due time, both me and you
Would dissipate as blobs of goo
An alien out for a ride
Would drag this jellied stuff inside

With science far beyond our minds
He’d reconstruct his gooey finds
In wonder and in awe we’d race
Towards the window, gaze at space

Believing we were ready now
He’d nod, you’d curtsey, and I’d bow
He’d launch us out, we’d twist and jerk
Exploding like a firework

We might get arrested by the space police for being drunk and dissipaterly

The Nudists of Neptune

The Nudists of Neptune

Alien life would be a very exciting and scary discovery! But, what humanity sometimes forgets is that, if there is intelligent life out there, they will probably have societies full of unique and quirky ‘people’ just like we do! This poem evolved from a daydream (PG rated I promise) about whether or not alien societies would have members who were seen as a little strange even to them, a bit too unusual. This naturally led to the question of whether or not nudists would exist on other planets. Would nudism be an eccentricity like it is on Earth? Perhaps the whole race would be nude all the time! Who can say?

The Nudists of Neptune

The nudists of Neptune
They float in the air
And their arms are outstretched
And their bodies are bare

And when we are passing
They cast off their robes
And they jiggle their bums
And they wiggle their probes

The Nudists of Neptune are unlikely to feature in the next series

The Nudists of Neptune are unlikely to feature in the next series

Who’d Have Thought?

Who'd Have Thought?

I was thinking about the Man in the Moon the other day, and how lonely it would be if there really was a man in the moon. Who would his friends be? Who would he love? This poem unites the man in the moon with a lover, with whom he basically goes around causing a ruckus. The consequences for the Earth of losing it’s moon don’t bear thinking about.

Who’d Have Thought?

Who’d have suspected
The Man in the Moon
With his lunatic laugh
Would have left us so soon?

And who would have thought
That the Woman on Mars
Could have called him away
To the peace of the stars?

The Man in the Moon
And the Woman on Mars
They travelled together
And hung out in bars

The Woman on Mars
And the Man in the Moon
Had the faces you’d see
On the back of a spoon

Mate, put out that light! People are sleeping!

Mate, put out that light! People are sleeping!



It seems like so many famous astronauts, astronomers, and other kinds of scientists (got bored of that list) were inspired simply by staring up at the sky in awe as a child and daydreaming about landing on the moon or something similar. The stars and planets they could see through a telescope blew their minds so much that they just HAD to learn more. This poem is dedicated to everyone who stares up at the night sky in wonder thinking what if? What if? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?


I looked for the stars, shining light-years away
I sat in the garden, I waited all day
But soon it got dark so I went back inside
Why dear stars, why do you haver and hide?

I looked for the moon, shining just down the road
I hopped and I skipped and I ran and I strode
But night overcame me, I had to go back
For how could I see when the sky had turned black?

I looked for a black hole, I stole a spaceship
I flew to the void with a gun on my hip
I met with a martian and spat in his face
Defying the emperor, conquering space

Haver (Verb): Scottish word meaning to talk foolishly
(I know my use of this word makes no sense. Sounds good though eh?)

This is just a money box. I'm saving up for the real thing

This is just a money box. I’m saving up for the real thing