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I felt it was about time I posted another poem about Floyd the Dog! Floyd, my dog, is now five years old! He becomes a bit calmer, and a bit more sensible, every day. The thing is, that’s not saying much for him. Floyd remains a complete lunatic of a dog, to my utter joy.

One of the lessons Floyd has learnt the hard way is that not every animal is his friend. He has been chased off by cats, dogs, and birds galore. However, he never lets this affect his love of life and his determination to befriend or eat everything he comes across on the common has only grown.


Floyd’s tongue hung down like wallpaper
And quivered in the heat
He rattled like a tambourine
With one too many feet
A flock of pigeons saw him
And departed as a fleet
Floyd turned aside and tumble on
He crossed a bridge and thereupon
He hurried to harass a swan
That waddled through the peat

Floyd fluttered round the swan awhile
Inviting it to dance
It prowled around the water’s edge
And looked at him askance
Floyd watched the swan patrolling and
Recoiling from his prance
It raised its wings, he ducked his head
Floyd waved his bum, the swan saw red
Floyd’s owner just looked on in dread
He didn’t stand a chance

The ducks departed swiftly
As the swan rose to full height
And the fishermen were fumbling
And trembling with fright
And even Floyd the dog could see
That something wasn’t right
The swan exclaimed and wildly flapped
Floyd turned and found that he was trapped
Over his eyes, his paws were clapped
All bark is Floyd, no bite

Floyd waited for destruction but
The beating never came
It was only now he stood again
Responding to his name
His owner cried You eejit!
If you die I’ll get the blame!
The swan forgotten, Floyd skipped off
To dig up something foul to scoff
Perhaps a stagnant pond to quaff
Or some small plant to maim


Widely and inexplicably loved, but entirely useless. He is the Bob Dylan of dogs.


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